STUPID/IDIOTIC/CRAZY LAWS OF ARKANSAS…..

I knew in my heart of hearts that Arkansas wouldn’t let me down.  Studying their laws explain so much about a house director on one of my former campus’ who was proud to have her grandson be a 6th generation graduate of University of Arkansas. She used “bless her little heart” better than anyone I’ve ever known (and my sou-then friends will understand that one).

Sadly, I see a theme that has run through all the states we’ve visited so far. In Arkansas, it’s legal to beat your wife as long as you don’t do it more than once a month. But only with a stick that measure three inches or less in diameter (Three inches, really? Isn’t that a baseball bat?). And in Little Rock, this loving act of kindness can be performed on courthouse steps, again with the 3″ across restriction.

While we’re talking about inequities for women, until 1994 it was legal to grab a woman’s breast in public, even if the man didn’t know her. 

But, luckily, a man can get 10 years for putting his wife in a brothel.

Dating is so regulated it seems to be impossible. Maybe that’s why Arkansas has a reputation as being a state where family trees don’t fork. Family reunions and Sunday dinners after church don’t count as dates.

Again in Little Rock, flirtation between men and women can get you 30-days in the can. The law doesn’t say anything about women flirting with women or men flirting with men…….

You might want to give up dating completely in July, because men aren’t allowed to ask women to dance during that entire 31 days.

At Arkansas State University, it’s illegal to hold hands while standing in a doorway…..unless you’re both members of a union.

It might be best if you don’t  plan on taking a shower with your girlfriend/boyfriend…..because showering nee-ked (Lewis Grizzard, that great Southern Humorist said that “if you’re not wearing clothes, you’re naked. If you’re up to something, you’re nee-ked.)

Moving on….

Arkansas is a proud state, State Law 1-4-105 mandates that it must be pronounced “Ar-KIN-saw.”

Each state has animal laws, and the Great State of Arkansas is no exception.  

You may NOT keep an alligator in your bathtub. Ever.

Dogs must not bark after 6:00 pm. If caught barking, the dog can be fined or impounded.

Fortunately for the wildlife, it is illegal to kill “any living creature,” so watch out when you slap that mosquito.  I don’t get this one, but killing “inanimate” objects is perfectly fine. Huh?

It’s unlawful in Fayetteville to walk your cow down Main Street…..after 1:00 pm….on Sunday. And speaking of street behavior, if you tie an elephant to a traffic meter, it will receive the same fine as a car.

You might want to keep your pigeons well-fed, because they’re are prohibited by law from eating the pebbles off a composite roof. Try enforcing that one.

If momma wants to make a stew, she better do it in batches that feed less than 20, because it’s against the law to bring home more than 5 pounds of roadkill (I’m assuming that means per day).

And a favorite:  If you’re in Fayetteville, be assured that it’s illegal to make bats or owls into burgers. Don’t you feel better now?

We know there are interesting voting laws in every state, and Arkansas has this one covered, too. It is unlawful to spend more than five minutes in a voting booth. But that’s OK, because most people in Arkansas just flip the “straight ticket” switch anyway.

And being a Godly state, it’s illegal for athiests to hold public office or even testify as a witness.

In the “did they really need a law to cover this” territory, we have a few choice candidates:  

In Little Rock, you can’t eat cheese on Friday unless it’s accompanied by a beer. Not just any beer, it has to be a large bottle of beer. Not a can. Not a frosted mug. Staying in Little Rock, it’s illegal to honk a horn after 9 pm at any establishment that serves cold drinks or sandwiches. (I get that one.)  In another law, you can’t stop and start your car “suddenly” at McDonald’s. These guys have way too much time on their hands, or just really, really love fast food.

Time to jump shift.  Being humanitarians, the Arkansas Legislature recently proposed that growth hormones be administered to dwarfs.

In Upper Osborne, Arkansas, its illegal to detonate a nuclear device without the written permission of National League Baseball. I wonder if it’s permitted in Lower Osborne. Wouldn’t you love to know what spawned this one?

Back to Little Rock, the Legislature took time off from eating to pass a law that it’s illegal for the Arkansas River to rise above its banks higher than the Main Street Bridge. Another one that might be difficult to enforce.

Oh, and in case you were considering it, it’s illegal to name your child “Zabradacka.”

I’ve saved the best for last.

In Arkansas, oral sex is considered sodomy. 

So, be good to yourself, don’t take nee-ked showers with your significant other, and tell him he can no longer have oral sex because you don’t believe in sodomy. 

If I come up with more this week, you’ll be the first to know. Then,on to the land of Fruits and Nuts, my present home state of California. That should be fun.

See you then.