Next Stop: ALASKA And Heading South to ARIZONA.

I’m assuming there’s not a whole lot to do in Alaska. Most of their crazy laws seem are centered around animals.

Moose, for example. They must love their privacy, because no one is allowed to watch them from a plane window. And if you’ve got a moose with you on that ride, it’s illegal to shove a him out of that moving plane.

No matter how great a drinking buddy your moose is, it’s unlawful to give him any alcoholic beverage.

Don’t take your pet moose into a barber shop, either. No shave and a hair cut for Monty Moose. No-sir-ee.

Moving on to bears, it’s legal to hunt them, but don’t you dare wake one up to take a picture. You may not live to tell the tale. And you can’t allow “attractive nuisances” to exist — meaning you can’t do anything to knowingly attract a bear.

And it’s illegal to tie your pet dog to the hood or roof of your car. 

Though Alaska turned out to be pretty unremarkable, there are a couple of good ones.

It’s perfectly legal to own a slingshot — as long as you have the appropriate license/permit. 

And you can’t roam around town with a bow and arrow.

I like this one. It’s absolutely, positively forbidden to live in a house trailer while it’s being moved.

And excessive emergencies will be punished to the full extent of the law.

Though it’s forbidden to steal snow from your neighbor’s yard to make snowballs, you’re more than welcome to take all their snow if you want to build an igloo. 

And that’s all I got for Alaska. Pretty boring.

But I found another good one for ALABAMA. “It’s illegal to tie your pet alligator to a fire hydrant.” Pretty sure I wouldn’t have to worry about that one.

Since Alaska wasn’t worth the trip, let’s move on to ARIZONA.

In what may be the hottest state in the Union, they’re preoccupied with animals, too. For instance, it’s illegal to hunt camels…and this one actually makes sense.  The Army experimented with camels, and when they gave up the research, turned them lose. So there are really camels wandering around in the Arizona deserts. I can only imaging the reaction an unknowing tourist might have — too little water, too much heat, or maybe too much booze… and a freaking camel staring them in the face. Yup. That would leave an impression.

No matter how much you love your donkey, he’s not allowed to sleep in your bathtub. Got no logic for that one.

You’ll be fined if you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs. In that category, bullfrog-hunting season is officially cancelled.

This one may go back a ways, but you can’t ride your horse up the county court house steps. Pretty sure the horse appreciates this one. Going down’s the hard part.

Now, to the fun stuff.

You can get up to 25 years — a third of a lifetime — for cutting down a cactus.

It’s illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. Guess the good stuff is OK.

If you’re attacked by a burglar or other criminal, you can defend yourself. But only if you possess the same weapon he has. Otherwise, you’re screwed.

It’s unlawful to refuse to give someone a glass of water, and in Arizona, I get that. Have you ever been to Arizona? The company I was with for 13 years had two offices there. They only made sales calls before noon. After that, back to air conditioning.

A personal favorite: Since there’s so much time spent indoors in Arizona, it’s illegal to own more than two dildos in one house. And the dildo police will be checking up on you. And why is this so egregious that legislators in the Great State of Arizona took time out of their busy days to enact it into law? 

In the spirit of having no fun at law, you can’t sing out loud, in public, if you’re wearing a swimsuit.

The only people who can smoke within 15 feet of a public place are those who possess a Class 12 Liquor License. 

In Globe, it’s illegal to play cards in the streets with a Native American.

In Mojave County, don’t get caught stealing soap from your hotel. You’ll be forced to wash yourself completely until you’ve totally used up the soap.

In Nogales, you can’t wear suspenders, but from what I hear, that’s about the only thing you can’t do in NoNo. Women can be fined up to $500, and men can get hit for up to $2000. They really hate suspenders in Nogales.  

In Tombstone, it’s illegal for anyone over the age of 18 to have more than one missing tooth while smiling. I can think of a couple of states that would have full prisons over that one.

In Tucson, women can’t wear pants. I guess that means it’s OK to go without them, right?

We’ll wind up Arizona with the obvious, It’s illegal to wear spurs in hotel lobbies.

Next week is the one we’ve all been looking forward to — ARKANSAS. That one should be fun.

So until next week, be good to yourself, be nice to the people around you, even if they’re total jerks, and know that somewhere there’s someone who loves you.